The Perfect Name

February 12th, 2010 comments 0

A pitcher throwing a perfect game is the pinnacle of efficiency and effectiveness. So, too, is The Perfect Name, which is the culmination of that mythical journey into and out of the psychic abyss, in which the hero returns clutching that vaunted trophy: the perfect name for this year’s fantasy baseball team.

Your fantasy baseball team’s Perfect Name should have some but hopefully all of the following characteristics:

a) Autobiography. This could mean, for example, employing the name of the street you grew up on, the gentrifying neighborhood you just moved into, or your favorite strain of marijuana.
b) Timeliness. Refer to the latest news, and for more impact go with blights on the game. If Mark McGwire just admitted to using steroids, then your team name needs to refer to the size of his balls.
c) Pun. A relief pitcher’s name tweaked to sound like an STD will suffice.
d) Lyricism. The team name should roll off of the tongue with the ease and grace of a grandmother swearing at Yankees Stadium. At least consider iambic pentameter.
e) Anything that shits on Bud Selig.

For numerous examples, please see the Annual Fake Teams Best Fantasy Baseball Names Contest. Past winning names include When You Lose Your Haren You Find Ubaldo, Itchy Buchholz, Schoenweiss and the Seven Dwarves, and I’m Bill James, Bitch!

"I got it!" exclaimed Buerhle. "Guillen Some You Lose Some!"

Visit The Perfect Name in the RBI Wiki

Look Alive

February 10th, 2010 comments 4

Like Elbow Up, Look Alive (or the variant Look Alive Out There) is a phrase that is almost always shouted — and then, almost always in the direction of unsuspecting youths. The term actually works on two levels: first, and most immediately, as a plea from parents and coaches that the aforementioned youths might fortheloveofgod at least pretend like they’re playing a baseball game; and second, as a tacit recognition of a dark but obvious truth — namely, that children bear a greater resemblance to the undead than we’d sometimes care to admit.

The Son of Man tells Lazarus to look alive.

Look Alive in the RBI Database

Rogue’s Archives: The One Stat to Rule Them All

February 9th, 2010 comments 0

In baseball analysis, as in many rational pursuits, there is the search for a single formula that distills and explains the nature of the whole enterprise in one compact form. The One Stat to Rule Them All would, with a single figure, describe who was the best and the worst baseball player, taking every iteration of the game into account, and leaving no room for debate, no logical calculation unturned. With the discovery of this fabled statistic, the sabermetric baseball conversation on the Internet would fall dormant, and everyone would go back to talking about Vin Scully.

When Vin discovered batting average, he thought it would be good enough for everybody.

The One Stat to Rule Them All in the Wiki

The UnManny Valley

February 8th, 2010 comments 1

The UnManny Valley tracks the emotional cycle of a baseball fan as he/she reacts to the erratic behavior of a superstar player. As said player’s behavior crosses the threshold from normal, to borderline fictional, to so consistently insane that it becomes normal again, the fan’s emotions track from neutral, to disgusted and unnerved by the behavior, to ultimately, a state of numbed acceptance.

The term is derived from Masahiro Mori’s robotics hypothesis the Uncanny Valley, which holds that people are repulsed by robots and other reproductions of humans, and that this repulsion can be traced with a graph showing a dip in positive human reaction. The UnManny Valley is named for Manny Ramirez whose emergence on its far end led to that famed catchphrase of bemused tolerance, “Manny being Manny.”

Trust us, it's science

The UnManny Valley in the RBI Database.

The Dynamic Demo

February 5th, 2010 comments 0

The Dynamic Demo is that feature of the MLB Network and Baseball Tonight in which former players loiter with broadcasters on an oddly undersized simulated baseball diamond. They demonstrate the little things that happen in a game, like turning a double play or putting down a sac bunt. They also do a lot of patting of the gloves while someone else explains, for example, how to lead off of first base.

The Dynamic Demo has its roots in a similar practice on NFL Sunday broadcasts. Unique to the latest incarnation is that the MLB Network guys often change into actual workout gear, and they hit wiffle balls around the studio. Also, Terry Bradshaw never dunked a perfectly good football into a bucket of water, then smeared it with shaving cream and hung it from the wall.

To witness Harold Reynolds commit just such atrocities, watch an example of The Dynamic Demo here.

This doesn't feel legal.

Visit The Dynamic Demo in the RBI Wiki

Rogue’s Archives: The Crap Cap

February 4th, 2010 comments 0

This is the cap you wear when doing crappy, sweaty dirty jobs that will otherwise ruin your good cap, such as changing the oil, running a chain saw, cleaning a sludge pit, caring for a baby, nursing lepers, cleaning up after a dog with a stomach virus, etc.

The Crap Cap is a cheap, cotton, non-regulation cap of a) a team neither you nor anyone else really cares about [see Padres, San Diego], b) a team you detest beyond all logic that you wear solely for purposes of defilement [New York residents, see Red Sox, Boston. New England residents, see Yankees, New York. All other residents of the continental U.S., see both], or c) your favorite team, but given away as a promotional item, usually with a cardboard brim or in a horrific “painter’s cap” edition, also often sporting the corporate logo of the company that thought it was good marketing to give away a cheap-ass, lousy cap.

The Crap Cap was written (and we imagine regularly worn) by Glenn Stout, author and series editor of the Best American Sports Writing.

The Crap Cap lies in direct opposition to the uncannily mint condition Dad Cap.

I have seen your future, cap-stolen-from-your-friend's-roommate, and it isn't pretty.

Visit The Crap Cap in the RBI Wiki

Moneyballs

February 3rd, 2010 comments 0

1. A widely used nickname for American author Michael Lewis, Moneyballs combines a number of sly references in one puerile swoop. The term alludes simultaneously to (a) Lewis’s magnum opus, (b) the male anatomy — particularly, the balls part of it, and (c) Lewis’s own background in the financial sector, as chronicled in his first book Liar’s Poker. Finally, the term echoes faintly “Golden Balls”, the nickname that Britons have given to footballer David Beckham (after the Ballon d’Or, which, curiously, Beckham has never won).

2. A condition suffered by those of a sabermetric bent when they are forced to contend with statistical luddites: After his unfortunate encounter with Joe Morgan in the hotel lobby, writer Dave Cameron was stricken by a severe case of Moneyballs. He should be released from the hospital post-haste.

Michael Lewis has balls of money.

See Moneyballs in the RBI Database

The Rogue Awaits

February 2nd, 2010 comments 0

Quick meta update from RBI HQ:

  • We’ve created a Rogue’s Baseball Index Twitter account, so follow us at twitter.com/roguesbaseball.
  • Remember you can also become a Fan of RBI on Facebook.
  • Or get fresh terms delivered straight to your RSS feed.

Contribution: Some Kind of Fermented Chicken Drink

February 2nd, 2010 comments 0

A term used to describe the dire state of a baseball fan’s beer. Some Kind of Fermented Chicken Drink is in reference to an episode of the sitcom “Seinfeld” called “The Muffin Tops,” which ran in the eighth season of the series. In the episode, George Costanza loses his job with the New York Yankees through a series of mishaps and miscommunications between George, NY Yankee’s owner George Steinbrenner, and the owner of Tyler Chicken. Mr. Steinbrenner trades George to Tyler Chicken in exchange for Mr. Tyler converting all Yankee Stadium concession stands to chicken-exclusive vendors. George is traded to Tyler Chicken for what amounts to “Some kind of fermented Chicken drink.”

In Rogue terminology, a Fan will describe a flat, warm, undesirable beer as “Some kind of fermented chicken drink.” This drink is barely drinkable, and usually means the fan would like a fresher one. This term can be used either at home or at the stadium.

Examples of Usage.

Buddy 1- “Man, this double header is taking forever, what you drinkin’ there?”
Buddy 2- “Some kind of fermented chicken drink. Call the beer guy over when you see him.”

Or,

Buddy 1- “You still holdin onto that drink, you got that in the third innin’.”
Buddy 2- “It’s like some kind of fermented chicken drink. But, it’s all I can have, I gotta drive home.”

Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics.

Some Kind of Fermented Chicken Drink in the Database

This term was written by Brett Cihon, who blogs infrequently.

One More Cup of Coffee

February 1st, 2010 comments 6

One More Cup of Coffee is the final go-round of the weather-beaten veteran*.  In these last days, he no longer seeks glory – he just hangs on, content to play a minor role. Once he was a star. He yanked homeruns down the line, h blew fastballs by  sluggers. Now his body, unaided by performance enhancers, aches terribly. To pinch hit in a tie game, to face just one lefty in the seventh inning – these are enough to sustain his spirit.  Just one more cup of coffee before I go…

Notable One More Cups of Coffee:

  • Ken Griffey Jr, 2010
  • Steve Carlton after the Phillies
  • Rickey Henderson’s 2005 comeback with the San Diego Surf Dawgs
  • The Rolling Stones, 1981-Present
  • Any Oakland DH

One More Cup of Coffee in the RBI Database

*Please note that by One More Cup of Coffee, a player could in fact mean two, three, or even seven more cups of coffee.

Also, there are a million examples of this phenomenon. Help us out. Let’s see some in the comments.

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