The Forever Usher

March 29th, 2010 comments 0

The Forever Usher can be found in baseball stadiums across America — and has manned his respective aisle for a span bordering eternity. He is at least 77 years old, and spends a great deal of each game waddling up and down stadium steps. He is prone to covering every spare inch of his uniform with commemorative pins and bemoaning baseball’s increasingly fast pace.

He was there when the stadium was erected and when the franchise moved either to or from Milwaukee. His hobbies include tastefully rendered organ music, remembering the good old days, popping beach balls, and arbitrating seating disputes.

Hans Moleman has ushered at Duff Stadium since Tris Speaker played for the old Springfield Steam Engines

The Forever Usher will gladly show you to the RBI Database

The Troubadour

March 26th, 2010 comments 3

Baseball players are known for the talents they show off between the foul lines. On occasion, however, within the confines of a local sports show featurette or a Jumbotron time killing spot, a player will reveal a hidden skill that comes out when the lights go down and the crowd goes quiet…

Viewers learn that The Troubadour is as quick on the fretboard as he is on the base paths, his voice is as sweet as his swing, and fortunately he can afford to record and publish his own albums. The Troubador might be a decent ballplayer, but once the news hits that he fancies himself a musician, it will come up every time his name is mentioned, for the rest of his life.

Example:

Fan #1: “Bernie Williams was a central part of those early World Series Yankee teams.”
Fan #2: “Classical guitar!”

Notable Troubadours include:

  • Bernie Williams
  • Bronson Arroyo
  • Jake Peavy
  • Aubrey Huff
  • Peter Gammons

A voice like an angel, and you should see his mediocre curveball.

Visit the Troubadour in the RBI Wiki

Walking Hank Greenberg

March 22nd, 2010 comments 4

Walking Hank Greenberg is a euphemism for speaking and behaving in a racially, religiously, or culturally insensitive way in or around the game of baseball. The term is derived from a Howard Megdal-penned New York Times article that contended Hank Greenberg was walked excessively by pitchers toward the end of the 1938 season because they were uncomfortable with the notion of a Jewish player breaking Babe Ruth’s single season home run record.

If you are expecting Ryan Howard to steal more bases this year simply because of the color of his skin, you are Walking Hank Greenberg. If you are making fun of Ozzie Guillen for something besides his Ozzie Guillen-ness, you just might be Walking Hank Greenberg. And if you’re pitching around Ryan Braun, you might be helping your team win, but you are also, most certainly, Walking Hank Greenberg.

Glourious Basterd Hank Greenberg

Walking Hank Greenberg in the RBI Database

The Jesus Christ Superstar

March 22nd, 2010 comments 0

The Jesus Christ Superstar is a vocally evangelical Christian major league ballplayer. He can be found thanking his Savior during interviews, and leading his team in pregame prayers and clubhouse bible study sessions. The Jesus Christ Superstar’s capacity for sin (greed, sloth, avarice) may be as great as the Buddha Superstar’s or the Secular Humanist Superstar’s, but it is more than neutralized by the public nature of his faith.

The Jesus Christ Superstar comes in all shapes, sizes, and attitudes. He can be a friendly clubhouse prankster (Mike Sweeney) or a taciturn island in right field (JD Drew). Regardless, his favorite testament is the New Testament.

Example:

Fan 1: That Josh Hamilton sure did a lot of drugs.
Fan 2: Yeah, but now he’s a Jesus Christ Superstar.

The Jesus Christ Superstar and his Old Testament teammate bond over their mutual affection for the base on balls.

The Jesus Christ Superstar in the RBI Database

Springtime for Hitter

March 17th, 2010 comments 0

Denotes that phenomenon wherein a clearly below-average player receives way more playing time than is prudent solely by virtue of a conspicuously excellent, if totally lucky, start to the season.

An example of a Springtime for Hitter situation played out recently when, in April of 2009, Florida’s Emilio Bonifacio batted a nutso .485/.500/.667 through his first 34 plate appearances. The early success convinced manager Fredi Gonzalez to hand Bonifacio the starting third base job and another 475 PAs while overshadowing the fact that, relative to other major leaguers, he (i.e. Bonifacio) is kinda sucky.

Don't let this man play third base for you.

See Springtime for Hitter in the RBI Database.

Commando Shades

March 15th, 2010 comments 0

Commando Shades are the sunglasses baseball players wear while tracking down fly balls in power alleys, staging coups in Central American countries, and extracting Al-Qaeda leaders from caves in the Pakistan-Afghanistan border region. They eliminate both glare, and all traces of the humanity of the person wearing them. Foregoing the panache of wayfarers and the classic efficiency of flip-downs, Commando Shades rely on wide, angular, and colorfully mirrored lenses to strike hollow fear into opponents’ hearts, and expressions of bewilderment onto the faces of fans.

Half rightfielder, half terminator.

Anonymous right-fielder, or devilish CIA hitman?

See Commando Shades in the RBI Database.

Rogue Culture: Musical Chairs

March 12th, 2010 comments 0

Part 3 in this week’s culturally charged series, today please enjoy a selection of music-related baseball terms:

The Who

The Florida Marlins’ starting lineup.

In the Arms of An Angel

The warm, meaty embrace of Halos manager Mike Scioscia.

Derek and the Dominos

Derek Lowe’s as-yet unused nickname for the Atlanta Braves pitching staff.

Rage Against the Machine

Irrational distaste for the latest irresistible 200,000-word missive from blogger/sports journo wunderkind Joe Posnanski.

Nirvana

The heightened mental state of Mariners fans as they watch Jack Z wheel and deal.

Purple Rain

2010 marketing campaign slogan left on the cutting room floor at the Colorado Rockies marketing department offices.

And on the drums, Gaby Sanchez.

Rogue Culture: Film Eye

March 10th, 2010 comments 0

The Rogue continues what he started on Monday, this time delivering to his adoring public a set of film-related terms. Behold!

2012

The OPS that Diamondback wunderkind Justin Upton will likely post in his age-27 season.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

The sort of player Jake Fox would be if he knew how to operate a baseball glove.

Independence Day

The day on which a player is released by, or traded away from, the Kansas City Royals. Mark Teahen, for example, celebrated Independence Day on November 6, 2009.

Julie & Julia

No baseball reference here. Just a beautiful, beautiful film by the lovely and talented Nora Ephron.

The Tailor of Panama

Appellation for Panama native Mariano Rivera, known for his ability to thread his cut fastball into the corners of the strike zone.

Transformers

A Transformer is any sort of mediocre pitcher who has found his way to St Louis, had his baseballing DNA altered by coach Dave Duncan, and proceeded to subdue batters far and wide — typically by means of a nasty sinkpiece. Ryan Franklin, Kyle Lohse, and Joel Pineiro are all Transformers.

Does Joel Pineiro look different to you?

Visit the new Rogue Culture section of the RBI Wiki

Rogue Culture: TV Eye

March 8th, 2010 comments 0

The Rogue is hip on more than just baseball. This batch of brand new terms brings you his usual unusual insight through the lens of modern television:

The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bang Theory holds that the home run is a more effective offensive outcome than the sacrifice bunt. It was first put forth by Jon Miller during a discussion with his Sunday Night Baseball partner Joe Morgan on the finer points of sabermetric analysis.

Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men is the number of Yankees clubhouse staff it takes to fold CC Sabathia’s uniform.

Lost

Manny Ramirez is Lost.

CSI: Carlos Silva Investigation

CSI is an advanced unit of major league scouts, trainers, and statistical analysts  assembled by Bill Bavasi who use cutting edge technology to solve the mysteries of players whose performances drop off in the year after a hefty contract is signed. Normally, this can be accomplished within an hour, or 44 uninterrupted minutes.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

A cleansing ritual involving beer, sarcasm, and heaps of barbecue, it is practiced each spring by despondent fans of the Kansas City Royals.

American Idol

For more information on American Idol, please see The Joe Mauer

Howard Beale has had enough of the damned sac bunt.

See all these terms in the new Rogue Culture section of the RBI Database

The Cycle Paradox

March 5th, 2010 comments 0

Hitting for the cycle is the pinnacle of cool, satisfying one’s urge to see disparate objects align unexpectedly, like the planets into a prophecy-fulfilling doom machine or a poker hand into a straight flush. But unlike, say, a straight flush, hitting for the cycle is not actually the best possible outcome. It would be far more fortuitous for a slugger to hit four home runs. Or four triples, or four doubles, or three home runs and a triple, or two home runs and a triple, et cetera. Nonetheless, despite the extensive room for improvement, the cycle maintains its place in lore, and the most modest fan still finds his palms sweaty when Kevin Kouzmanoff strides to the plate with a homer, a single, and a double under his belt.

Hence The Cycle Paradox, when something emotionally rewarding is not actually the best way to win a baseball game. The Cycle Paradox can apply to many of the golden rules from the pre-sabermetric golden age of baseball, including:
  • the sacrifice bunt
  • the intentional walk
  • slap-hitting
  • making a diving play on ball that a better player would have been standing in front of
  • David Eckstein

Throwing a Pie in the face of detractors, Felix hit for the cycle on August 14, Two-Thousand-and-Optimistic.

Visit The Cycle Paradox at the RBI wiki